Dating a commitment phobe

This was a frustrating and really draining time in my life (especially because most of the men I chose also lived interstate).

My period of relationship ‘false starts’ taught me a lot about commitment and about my own choice in men.

Emily says there's one surprising red flag that can help you determine whether you're dating a "Commitment Phobe." "In the beginning, he actually really pursues you," she says. Plus, the author reveals which issues are at the heart of the dysfunction that leads a person into a relationship with a Commitment Phobe.

I invested in several fruitless relationships with men who were avoidant, emotionally unavailable, inconsistent and generally noncommittal.

He's become so good at his single routine—night after night of beef pad Thai, Netflix bingeing, going out with his friends—that he struggles to incorporate others, a.k.a. He hasn't had a relationship longer than two months.

Usually you don't find out until three months in or so, when he breaks things off while avoiding eye contact and mumbling something lame like, "Sorry, I'm just not ready for a serious relationship." Commitment-phobes can be sneaky. These are a typical commitment-phobe's seven biggest tells. The "commitment" doesn't need to be the big stuff, like marriage.

While they still experience love like anyone else, the feelings can be more intense and scary than they are for most people.

These feelings drive anxiety, which snowballs as the relationship progresses and the expectation of a commitment looms larger.

And he's way more comfortable with the former. He doesn't lie, per se, but he gives slippery answers like "I just haven't found the right person" or "I've had bad luck in dating." Press him on what worked in his past relationships, what didn't, and what he learned from them. Some guys can't admit they're commitment-phobes even to themselves.

(Ideally, not on date number one.) You want to look for signs of self-awareness—and growth. So, at the very end, he'll find some preposterous reason to call it off.

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